You know how it is.


When you want something really bad, you just enjoyed the wonderful time and you just want to keep it close, you don't wanna lose that wonderful emotions, all this hope it gives you.

That's what I feel when I'm thinking of that one call.

What ever can go wrong, definetly will.

If I call and she says a wonderful "No time" than WHAT?


See I know this is bullshit, hardly fitting it, but it is, I just don't want to get hurt, I feel so vulnerable. It is like I forgot everything life has ever teached me. All these times I got caught up in situations that nobody should be in, all these times I got hurt from persons I loved and often still do, all these time I fall down, all the time I got up again, showed my smile to f.cked up world that didn't wanted me to be who I am, didn't want me to be happy over a long time.
All the time I suffered from being the way I am, wanting the best for everyone, didn't really think of myself.

Don't get me wrong, I'm still like that, but with her, I don't feel like I can do this, I don't feel like I can take these, I feel like if I lose this one chance and screw it up it will all be over.

I never felt so close to call someone the famous one and that's driving me crazy, over these 3 months I've put so much thinking and planing on what to do, what to say, I totally forgot how to to do it. I got over the point when my courage was big enough to make that next move.

Guess I buried myself and left that little boy hanging.


Why did this challenge become so hard? Why couldn't you just appear one night and stay forever? Why do I still want you more than anything else? Why do I even consider shaving my head? Why can I aggree on suffering so much, just to spend time with you? Why do I still smile when I think of you?



Here's the deal:

At the moment I suck. I need a break, I need to figure this out. I won't be online until saturday night, at least. I don't know if I can take it, but I feel like I need it, focus on studies and so on...