I've got the scars to remind me
I've watched the clocks go around
I've walked myself through some days
That have put me where I am
In another time in another place
All things might have been in place
But for now I'm finding myself
Up here standing on a rooftop screaming:

"Hey world are you listening?
Listening to me?
I'm here and i'm hurting to begin again"

It's another time it's another place
And we are making more old days
But for now I'm finding myself
Out here standing on my doorstep screaming:

"Hey world are you listening?
Are you listening to me
I'm here and I'm hurting to begin again
Hey world I'm ready to listen
And learn something new
I'm here and I'm willing
To get myself through"

(click)

One of my favourite songs nowadays

I am sitting in a backpacker. The special part is, I am in Cologne. I am sitting in a backpacker in Cologne. I like to be around foreigners.

It ist like being in a foreign country but being home at the same time. There are japanese, spanish or maybe portugese people and americans.

It makes the working part a lot easier. I become more relax. I am very tired from the hard day, because I needed to get up early and from 9:30 am 'til 11 pm I had around 2 hours for sitting down and relaxing.

It is tough sometimes, but it is okay. It is better to fall into bed exhausted than because of boredom.


Of course I have some problems here. Mostly because I was lazy the last weeks, but also because the person responsible for me sometimes just forgets that I haven't done things like this before and expects me to knwo everything and do everything right by the first time and is very disappointed when I do something wrong.
Sometimes I am waiting for her to explode....


But we get along. So no worries.


Enjoy your nights, I will do that with mine now.

It is a lonely night and I am listening to wihspering whiskey drinking man.

I am dying because of nervosity and hoping that I get a sign, but there is not one. I am just being ignored.

Which is nice.

Because now I can stand in my own misery. Thanks a lot. I always get better when I am in this mode. I grow upon myself.

So let me tell you little miss something. I was not made for this. If I screwed up, than tell me but don't f. ignore me and leave me hanging. I know I am not the best guy in town, but hell I am a good man and I deserve being treated fair.

I know I made some mistakes and I am fine with accepting them. But I am not happy about playing games. I am too old for this shit.

Let's play with open cards. Let me tell you how I feel about you. I know I am a sensitive, emotional guy and that I can be a bit clingy. But most of the time it is only at bad times because than I feel lonely and weak.
When I am in a normal mood, I can survive almost anything. And I did. For many years. I survived all the bad things life throw in front of me.

And I will survive this. I am here standing and I won't back down before I want to.

Good morning sunshine.

Let me bring you up to date on my business. I was in cologne the last week. It was a lot of work but it was a great feeling getting something done, although we did not finish the work we actually went to cologne for and some time I really was about to leave, it was a good experience.

I will have to go back in september to get all the samples for my bachelor degree, so wish me luck that I can get it all done the next time.


And now to the lady part.

Which is shittie. If you can call it that.

I am sitting here and missing her. This part would be okay if I would know where we stand. I have a feeling that I screwed up.

So I am here listening to my 12 Stones and rolling in my own misery.


But at least I am feeling something ;)

Tonight I had my first date, well actually I am not sure if it was a date, but I hope it was.

And I have to tell you I was a little bit nervous, but now I am releaved, content, happy and a little bit anxious. I don't know how it went. I honestly have no clue. I mean we talked a lot, mostly I listened to her, but there was nothing that could be seen as a signal against or for a relationship. It was like sitting with a good friend.

To be honest, I think that this is not a good sign, but I don't want it to be. I like her.

It ist tough for me now. I think I want to ask her for another date, but I am not sure.

And hell I am going nuts on this.

It is not as bad as almost a year ago, I am more settled. I won't have as many worries like back then but I still will wonder some days.

But I am happy and that is the most important part. I will last from this evening some days, just because I can. It is weird but lately the boy from the old days seems to come back and takes control of the student and helps him to be more relaxed and happy.

Thank you for that, mystirious girl I had a date with.



Edit:

I think you all know that it wasn't my first date, it was my first date in 2 years. Yes it was.

Finally it is time for me to write.

I can't say I was busy most of the time, some days I was, but most of the time I just forgot. I feel mostly sorry for myself because I still like writing and I still believe that it is good for me.

But like so many things disappear when you get older simply by the loss of time I lost my writing lately.

Anyhow.

I am here to tell something. Nothing special again, just life. Boredom some may say, but still better than death. Actually a lot. At least I believe, but who knows.

So my year started quite slowly, not a big party, just some friends and some beers. We actually just sat at home and played Buzz and than watched the fireworks and than went separate ways.
For me it was allright, honestly I wasn't quite in the mood to party and I didn't even realize that 2008 was over since february. The year just simply went by me.

Almost like these 4 and a half months. Something weird is going on with time. A week just passes by and you don't have any clue where it went. It wasn't qutie that obvious when I was younger, but now it really bites me.

In january I had some exams. Not really good. But later on that more. In february I was learning and doing shittie things at home. Wasted month. March was a good month. I did 2 days for the university on the open days for pupils. Was a good motivation for me. And paid good.
The last two weeks were great. I had an excursion to Hildesheim. Making a map of a small area. Field work they like to call it. It was a lot of fun to see all those things you learn in theory work together and making sense. Simply amazing.
To be honest my partners sometimes drove me crazy, but I survived them. If I could I would do that all the time and would still be out there.
It is work it is learning by doing.

And here comes the trick.

I made a decision some weeks ago. To be honest in my mind I was struggling a little bit with it for weeks, but on the day I made that decision I saw it all clear.


I WILL NOT MAKE A MASTER DEGREE.


I am not made for studying in that system. I learn when I do stuff. I learn the understanding when I can touch it, feel it, rebuild it with my hands and not only with theory, bullshit talking about how something looks like and not be able to see it.
I need things in front of me to understand them. I need practical work. I am not dumb, maybe in the last years or only months I did lose some braincells and some understanding, but I am definetly not too dumb to understand all the things people try to tell me in their classes.
But I am not made for exams, learning everything by heart and not being able to see it all fitting together. That is not me and that will never be me.


But after that decision what should I do with the rest of my life? I don't really know. First of all I want to finish my bachelor degree here and than see how good it was. And from that point I can see where I will go. Actually I think I allready know what the where part is.






Okay, that should be enough for tonight, I want to watch something and drink the rest of my beer.
But here are some little writen things from the this year. ;)

Allright. Time to write again.

I wasn't really in the mood to write something in here, mostly because there was nothing to tell. And there still isn't.

But, ah damned, I will write more tomorrow....I'm tired

The new year didn't really start well, but who cares. I am good, I had my fun. Not quiet a lot but anyway who cares, when all you have left behind is your friends.


2008 went by just as fast as a Toyota GT-One in 1999...


Anyway last year just was another year, nothing special, just living. Sometime in 2008 I realized that nothing you ever do is worth wondering where all the time goes. It is a very complicated question, but it is one of the really tough ones.


I often wonder how it could be possible that you could be int 2019