I wish I could talk it fluently.

I really like that language but if you stop using it frequently you get totally lost.

It took me hours to think about a sentence which I can actually say to Ido without embaracing myself.

And god thanks for making this thing so easy and making those freshmen so easy to handle that I can just be me and not have to pretend that I know everything for the best.


Oh, and thank you Ido just for making me smile without ever understanding me.


Damn this happy mood is hitting me. I guess Karin made my day after I got my PC back she put the icing on the cake :)


And my big sister is not inviting me to Puerto Rico, I'm really disappointed :D

So I needed to return my PC again because Windows screewed up, hopefully I will be back online on monday evening.


Now looking at you:

Saturday? Perfect date? Tell me about it :)


I thought about it and I think I'm going to take her to the botanic garden or a little lake close to Göttingen, you know you can have coffee whereever you want nowadays ;)

I just hope this is not gonna be a date where I try to hard and make it all worse. *grumml*

Okay, got my PC back, without sound and windows keeps on bugging me about some registration stuff I can't quite work out, but at least I am online :)

The organisation for the week for the freshmen (so called O-Phase) is moving forward and I'm enjoying this, I feel like I am doing something not just sitting and waiting for death to come.

Sometimes I wish I could just work, just do my things I wanna do, just learn by doing, which I like sometimes a lot more than just studying, because it is so much closer to life than books.
I will take a practica, that's for sure, I can't just sit around for such a long period of time, I don't want to get nuts.



Sticking to getting nuts:

It's been almost 4 weeks and I still didn't get a response from her, that's something that worries me, but something ist telling me that I should put more patience in this and take a deep breath and that I am worrying way to much. Maybe she just didn't have time or something like that, sometimes I know I'm naive.

But there's this big fear of loosing that one thing I hoped so much for and waited for so long to happen. Honestly, this time I am not sure if I can get back on track as fast as before, this could really damage me, I know this is bull-shit but these are my feelings and I can't hide them.
I'm not used to such huge feelings, I am not sure how to deal with them.
I know weakness can become a strength but this time it's totally going in another direction, I'm feeling like a 12-year-old and not almost 11 years older (in 7 days ;( )

Allright, I'm waiting til tomorrow and than I'm gonna use the ultimative spionage tool at student can have (stas..vz /studiVZ , I still don't like it) and than I wait til my birthday and stop being sobber :D



btw: Try to imagine a perfect date?! Tell me about it :)

Flowers and a picknick seemed to be too simple ;)

Sorry, my little dirty helper to go online broke down a week ago on friday.

I will be back online on thursday night, looking forward for a skype-sessions :)

Okay, so I wake up and fall asleep again.

And suddenly a dream hits me.

How come that dreams feel so realistic. You don't really see everything clear but you can feel everything, from every little touch to the little tension between the people maybe sitting next to you in the dream.

If just a little part of this dream becomes reality, actually some of my dreams really happened, so I wish for this one to become true.

This dream made my day, I smiled the whole day and was almost singing everytime.

To be honest, seeing my relatives again made a little impuls on my happyness too, but this dream was such a gift.

A thing I was looking backward to :D



But, and that's the sad ending: My desire for her grew and I can't really say how deeply I'm longing for a new meeting with her.

It's easy to say: I wish for

But dreams don't just become real, they grow.









I love life, it's not always beautiful and shinny but it always finds a way to show me how wonderful it can be.
I know that I'm far away from reality when I see the world, but I am so grateful for just being alive, just being here with all these people I love, just to know them and know that they are here makes me smile, that's just me.
I'll never change.

I have my grumpy moments, sometimes they last for months, but I need this, that is my way to find energy. Okay I'm not just grumpy, I suck at these times, but honestly be happy that I don't show all the things that run up and down in my mind.


There's a dark side in me that even I don't like to see.





And than there's this other little bastard that strikes me every time I try to find a reason not to think about you....damn just one entry without you, just one.





btw: As I was told by a special person, I am officially off the market because of my mariage plans, this makes me, well I'm not sure what to think about this.

Got something to show my big sister:


Watch the end (5min before the credits), you will know what I wanted to say

Downhill

Holding on


Shoot me, hit me with a car, damn just give me something I can feel.


Damn I sit here and all I wonder is why you didn't answer.

All I think of is what I screwed up.

This is bullshit.


I decided NOT to give up on this, I deserve this, I do.


If there's a way than I will take it, I will not surrender, not this time, this time I'm doing something for me, something I've pushing away so long I can't even count the days anymore.





If I die on this way, at least I tried :D


Just let it be october, just let it be happening, just let it be all over, just let me think free again, let me be clear about my life.

Well, I am, but you know what I wanted to say ;)

I dare to dare and even to date.


Even if I do not win and I get hurt, I will stand up again, that's my nature, that's just me :)

It's messed up

I feel helpless.


Life is and always will be complicated, it will never ever help you to get something right away. Your whole life will turn so many circles and have some many ways down the mountain you shouldn't even start counting.

Once you fall in love, everything becomes more and more tragic. You start thinking. You start to worry. And suddenly it's there. You start to question. You start to take things serious you never ever thought of before.

Your daily life gets messed up. It's like riding a rollercoaster with your eyes closed, you never now where a tough corner might hit you.



So I do worry a lot.

So I am me.

So I am here and she's there.

This thing is taking so much energy I feel like I am and old windmill in Don Quijote.

All I know is that october will be a tough one.



I don't like me like that. Too much worries. Although I really enjoy my days I put to much work in thinking of possibilities, opportunities and failure.

Never ever have I (damn, what a nice game :) ) ever had so much feelings and tried to put so much effort in someone that I've only known for such a short period of time. I think that's the reason why I worry so much about it, about the consequences and about what could be but mostly about what I could lose.

Tough break. Honestly this can only be a thing I try to hard and fuck up. (I know but that's just ten times better than getting my hopes up ;) )


I'm thankful that I get some time out of town for tomorrow and today and hopefully I will find some time to think and reconsider, reorganise and reschedule my love-life (nice :) )


Have a beautiful weekend and never ever worry about me.


btw: Don't know if I will be online on sunday, at the moment I'm in the mood for a long walk ;)