Okay, I'm one step to giving up.


Tell me to back off and I will.

There are no more signs I can ignore, no more nights I can spent thinking of being with you. There are no more days left I can give up just for you.

There is no more motivation to get up.


Just a hole occurs, that's it.

I'm falling.

I never thought I might say this but this sucks, this wasn't necessary, this wasn't how it should end, this wasn't what I planned.


I lost a lot of motivation tonight. I lost my flavour of life. At least for a couple of days.


I'm not giving up, I'm giving in.

I can't stop checking my account.

I can't stand to wait for a message from her.

I try to control it, try to stop my mind slipping away and stop concentrating on my exam on tuesday, but I can't.

Did she really asked me why I didn't write her back?

Or did she just misdial?

Did she really meant want she wrote?

Or is she just messing with me?


The more I think about all this, the more I start to worry again.

I don't want to lose her before I have her.


I'm thinking about this one call, how will it be? How will she response to the question? What can I that she dosn't say No?

Damn you woman.

Hallo, my name is Joe...

I love music and I love to hang out with my friends.

I've never been a good listener but I would say that I am a good lover.

Call me.




Babbeling and thinking, something like this.

I consider myself crazy nowadays.

I played "Never ever have I" yesterday night, which was a lot of fun thinking back that I didn't actually think it would be.
It was the first time I connected a little bit more to the people I hang around with in this town. I felt a little more home.


But still, I can't be happy with the way my life is going with them. I didn't come here to do things I did back in the days and really didn't enjoy. I came here to get a life.

I called Karin today.

It was really nice to talk to hear after such a long time.

But she actually told me the same thing that a lot of people told me these days.

I should call.


And hurtfull enough, they are right. I can't ignore the fact that I have to do something in order to do something.

Strange, I still can't deal with the fact that she actually wrote me...I'm so...thankful and, yeah I am happy

Es gab Tage, da verlor ich meinen Glauben
Tage an denen ich nicht weit entfernt war
Von Grenzen die mir aufgezeigt wurden
Grenzen die zu hoch schienen.

Vereinzelt kämpfte ich gegen Windmühlen
Meist konnte ich mich durchsetzen
Doch in jedem Leben gibt es Niederlagen
Egal wie sehr man es versucht.

Mein Lebenslauf ist noch nicht vollständig
Die Wünsche sind noch nicht erfüllt
Doch ich spüre es näherkommen
Ein kleiner Schritt.

Ich schreibe meinen Weg
Um zu fühlen, um zu leben
Am Limit zu sein
Ist ein Traum.

Du erscheinst
Natürlich änderst du den Ablauf
Du beeinflusst alles
Alles was mich betrifft, unwissentlich.

Ein neuer Abschnitt scheint zu beginnen
Und ich bewege mich ungereimt
Unbeeinflusst von anderen
Auf dich, nur dich alleine zu.










cK
28,10,2007

This is so long

This is a goodbye

At least that's what I thought it could be

I'm not sure where this is going

All I know is that this is way better than I wished

I just want to let it flow

Just letting it be whatever it is going to be

Enjoying everything I did get

When snow falls it will be because of you

Whenever you freeze

Feel me

Wherever you shine

Let me be

Whatever you desire

Let me know

I turn wherever you want me to






cK

28,10,2007

Thanks.

You know how it is.


When you want something really bad, you just enjoyed the wonderful time and you just want to keep it close, you don't wanna lose that wonderful emotions, all this hope it gives you.

That's what I feel when I'm thinking of that one call.

What ever can go wrong, definetly will.

If I call and she says a wonderful "No time" than WHAT?


See I know this is bullshit, hardly fitting it, but it is, I just don't want to get hurt, I feel so vulnerable. It is like I forgot everything life has ever teached me. All these times I got caught up in situations that nobody should be in, all these times I got hurt from persons I loved and often still do, all these time I fall down, all the time I got up again, showed my smile to f.cked up world that didn't wanted me to be who I am, didn't want me to be happy over a long time.
All the time I suffered from being the way I am, wanting the best for everyone, didn't really think of myself.

Don't get me wrong, I'm still like that, but with her, I don't feel like I can do this, I don't feel like I can take these, I feel like if I lose this one chance and screw it up it will all be over.

I never felt so close to call someone the famous one and that's driving me crazy, over these 3 months I've put so much thinking and planing on what to do, what to say, I totally forgot how to to do it. I got over the point when my courage was big enough to make that next move.

Guess I buried myself and left that little boy hanging.


Why did this challenge become so hard? Why couldn't you just appear one night and stay forever? Why do I still want you more than anything else? Why do I even consider shaving my head? Why can I aggree on suffering so much, just to spend time with you? Why do I still smile when I think of you?



Here's the deal:

At the moment I suck. I need a break, I need to figure this out. I won't be online until saturday night, at least. I don't know if I can take it, but I feel like I need it, focus on studies and so on...

How do you manage this?

How do you become so confident?

How did you turn out to be so You?



All I know I love you for that, I much appreciate talking to you almost everyday.


Don't change, just promise me you stay who you are, my big sister, my turning point on some pretty tough days, my mind whenever I'm lost.

I know you don't really like me talking like this, but this is me, you should know me by now and most important, you should now how to read these words.


I'll never forget this one day. Passau suddenly shined :)


Allright I'll stop here.

So I guess I must call, I guess I must call.


If I lose this one, if I don't get a chance I will turn gay, well I'm happy most of the days, but this time I think I'll become queer.


Damn this thing is killing me, so much thoughts that I turn out to become even more insane than I'm allready.


But the worst part of it all is that I haven't got any clue what to do with her. It's winter, so no sitting in a park and talking. But a café seems so wrong, so you know.


Deep in my mind I allready stopped to believe this whole thing with her is turning out good, it seems to me that I don't deserve her at the moment, that I might never will. Sucks but sometimes, really often to be honest, I think like this, I even started to believe it a couple of times.


All I know this is a hard time for me and I should put an end to it before it messes me up too much.


Life is about challenges, risk it, or beat it.








If only I could pick up the phone...

Everybody gets older, put not everyone is able to celebrate.


There's a difference between this birthday and others. This time I feel actually like getting older. Strange when you think about that this is coming from a now 23-year-old person but it is like that.

I'm not sure where the next year is heading, but it will certainly still be me who's walking ;)


Wish you all a beautiful day, and don't worry about not remembering it, it's not that important.