Damn, why is it that all the time when you need something to work it just doesn't.


I want to talk to people...


but I guess I keep on listening to myself...

Friends

An absolute treasure, something I always appreciated a lot. Spending time with the people you love is the best medicine.


I can't tell you why it makes me so happy, I just know it does. It gives me a smile everytime I think of it. I've been surprised. You have always been my little sister and suddenly all this seems so yesterday and you seemed so grown away from what I've known.

But than I realised that I was wrong.

This is you. This is who you are. You are my little sun. You are the one I can depend on. You never let me down. You never judge me wrong. You stayed with me. You've always remembered my name. You never stopped caring. This is you. This is who you are. You made decissions I know you could do. You grew so far. You stood by me in rainy days. You never changed. You always listened to what I said. This is you. This is who you are. You stepped further than anybody else. You took chances. You never regret. You moved in a direction I always know you deserve.


I was stunned. I stumbled. I worried a little bit.

My thoughts were running. I think I know now why I reacted like this. It was a feeling of happyness and satisfaction in one and there was fear. But than I saw it all clearly. I saw your happiness. I saw how this is the thing you should get. Something noone can buy, something that could only be giving out by someone special.

Someone you met.

You know I love you from the button of my heart. I will never be far away. Watch out for me.


Smile, my little dark angel.

Wednesday night

No, wait thursday night. I get a text message. An invatation to a "fare-well-party" for an apartment. Something I never expected.

And something I screwed up. I was way over normal status, way to active. I wasn't me.

I thought I could change this, but here I stand, here I fall. I apologised. Not for being drunk. But for just being just an idiot.


4 months and still I can't get it straight :P

Maybe the right way is really to say goodbye and let it be, even though my heart can't say it right now.


I'll wait until next year...

Hello

it's me. Just about to say "Goodbye" I won't be available til, I'm not sure, maybe next week. It's another step to be more responsible and to grow up, but mostly the reason is her.


She's driving me nuts.

So is this how it works?

I write.

You wait.

I get confused.

You wait.

I go crazy.

You wait.

I get mad.

You wait.

I get worried.

You wait.

I can't sleep.


Okay, if it seemed to you that I played tricks, than I am sorry, I never meant to. I was only scared. Scared of all. All I know is that this is hard, this is so cruel.

You know how long I waited, you know that I was here and that I take this serious.

Damn you strike me down.

This rollercoaster ride is so hard, I honestly don't know how long I can take this, but still I want you, you can't change this.

My thoughts are running around. Between life, my life and the life of others.

I am happy, I know that my study work is the worst that there can be but I am about to get better. It's hard to get control back about something. For me it will always be learning from paper.
This is just something I will never be certain of, something I never really could love. Honestly it doesn't really bother me to read a text or a book, it's just that I learn a lot more from doing things, repeating them and watching something, just being a part of it, that's how I remember things.

I love to do stuff on my own, explore how things work, how one thing connects to another and to see what you can achieve with some little things, that's what I really love and want to do.

And that's my Technische Mineralogie at the moment. God, I love that stuff. Honestly this is the first part of my studies that I really want to learn, that I can see myself working at in 20 years or so. All the others are interesting to but there hasn't been anything that I could have said "I want to do this all my life".

I know a lot of people don't understand this, espically when they get to know what this is all about, but I love it. For me it is so interesting and fascinating to play with different materials and try to find out what you can do with it and make something for special usage.

Damn I am so happy about this. I know it sounds strange to say this about my studies that I picked out myself and was so sure about but I knew from the beginning that my studies will be only a step in my grown up life. I really like my studies, I like getting to know all this stuff and I like my life as a student but I wanted more than just learning for the money, I wanted to enjoy my life afterwards, that was the reason I picked this subject because it left me so many opportinities after I would be finished with my bachelor.

And now I think I found what i was looking for....my little hope at the end of the road ;)

I called.

A couple of days ago.

I actually did it.

I never thought I 'd be able to do, but like everything else I just suddenly felt the need to do it.


Honestly there's no way I can describe how this phone-call made me feel.

Just the way she picked up and sounded, how she talked to me, listening and caring, it was not even close to anything I ever imagined.

And mostly amazingly, it all went well, it even went way better. She actually didn't even close seemed like being unhappy about my call.

After I asked if she might have some time at the next weekend she politely declined but added that she would be at home and that we can do something together at the weekend afterwards.

And I guess the suggestion from her to go to the christmas market maybe or the question if I might go to the Nordmensa anytime so are a good sign.


I hope for the best, but still I don't know how this will work out.

So as you know and as I told you and as you remember, I won't be online until Monday, so no worries, I'll be fine, dreamin' and livin ;)

hug