I watched "Into the wild" on sunday.

It made me a mess.

I was sitting in the cinema and all these pictures that were shown gave me a felling of missing something really big. Something I don't know of at the moment.

It will be a big challenge. Everything is. But things need to improve. It is a natural cause.


How do you come to a point where you are actually scared of yourself?

When do you become someone you never knew?

Ever wondered how that feels?


Well I know now. Sitting in the chair, watching everything from the outside, not with my own eyes, just with such a big tension in myself that barely could keep me breahting everything else seemed senseless.

I felt helpless, scared, happy, full-filled, confused, sad and brave at the same time. My soul was telling me so many things and I couldn't reach out for it.

Something is going on inside of me.

I'm curious when I found out what.

Hello world.

I'm home. At least it is home. At the moment it doesn't quite feel quite like home, but it is and always will.

I had a talk with my mom. I was scared as hell. I didn't know what I would have done if she actually would have said that my studies are over.

It was her decision. And I am thankful as hell.

I guess it's time to fight.

Well actually I don't guess.

I know.

So many signs lately showed me that the way I do my life, or life does me, is right. I mean I have beautiful friends, people that care for me and love me for who I am.
I live in a country where a failure in one area doesn't force you to give up everything. You get a second chance. It was easier back in the days I know that, but still you have so many possibilities you can take by the horns.

Good God, I am happy. I feel relieved and anxious. But I feel like this time I will get it right, I will make it better than I did before.


And I keep on smiling.

I would like to finish with a song I got from someone, I don't understand all of it but who cares:


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=M1PSWyUnRd4


Btw: If you keep on looking around you will see more happiness than you think.

Life's a bitch. Everybody knows it but not all of us are willing to accept this.

My life is at a turning point right now, a really big one.

I decided to study. It was my decision to try this out and to it the way I want it.

And know I stand here in front of such a mess. I'm not really sure if I can fix this.

Honestly in the last 2 weeks I didn't think I could.

But today I decided to move. This is my last chance for a different life. I'm not sure how it will work out but I will give it a try.

I thought about not coming back. I thought about staying here in my room. Not caring for anything just letting it be. I haven't felt this much darkness since a long time but I needed to figure this one out on my own. I know you are all out there helping me, guiding me and supporting me. But this time it is me who needed to make the first step.

I might need you all to be there for me. Just be there. It doesn't matter where you are, just let me know that you are there.


P.S.: It could be possible that I just leave, don't be mad.

I wrote a really good exam today. I'm not sure if I get an A, not even a B or C or D. And I don't care. It was my first exam I really enjoyed and liked. I felt like giving something back. Like it had a meaning.

It feels good. I guess this is how people like my sisters feel so often. (I know that you both deserve better than "people like") It felt great stepping out of this room.


But I came here to tell another story.


I met someone. After I had been a real wreck for a long-term I just returned to myself. Stepped back. And just started to open.

I've carrying a lot around. I've been a fool.

I've already seen here. I've already talked to her. But you know how it is with people you just don't get in touch really. You just don't get any connection without spending time together.

But that's what I did. I spent time with her. I spent time with her. I didn't change. I didn't lie. I didn't overwrite my life.

I spent time with her.

We met for tea. As far beyond imagination this might seem, it was like this. We met for tea and we talked. About a lot of things. We just talked. I forgot the time very often. And I felt so full-filled in these times.

I love it.

I miss it.


But after I spent monday and tuesday with her I had to wait til today to see her again. And it was really the part of seeing her being okay that gave me the biggest satisfaction.

I saw her and felt eased. I don't know how to describe this but I was okay with the world. I felt like everything that is going wrong at the moment with me and my life is going to be more positive than I thought.

I calm. Honestly I calm. Nothing describes it better. I get so relieved and so satisfied.

I haven't decided yet how and where this is going. But I feel good und that's what I need right now.

I'm just happy here.

May I ask: Why is this so complicated?

Why you're asking me all the time?

Because I want an answer.

There is none.

What do you mean?

Life isn't complicated. Love neither. All you have to do is to be honest. Mostly to yourself. Don't worry about where you will be in the future. Worry about how you get there.
You never be happy if you keep on worrying. Step up for a life you can love. Something you feel in the right place.
You will make mistakes, everbody does, but it is your turn to undo them or most possibly make the best out of it.

Weird.

I heard today that my first student pub I've been to in G-Town is closing. This weekend will be the last time they would open.

I know this is kind of strange, but I am strange. In a way I kind of like it. I survived it. I never thought I would be sticking so long with something.

I know pubs close all the time and I know it's nothing special, but for me it is.

When I went into the pub for the first time, I felt like a real student. No lessons nor my first field trip gave me this feeling I achieved this evening.

You know these moments. For example when you arrive in a country for the first time, you don't know what is waiting around the corner but still you are waiting for something else, something that sets this part of the world apart from everything else in the world. Like I always will remember the sunset in Denver when I arrived with my friend, for the first time alone, just with a friend. I still got pictures but they hardly can describe the way I felt at that special moment.

I think you understand me now with my student bar...

I've never taken too much interest in the world and the (w)hole thing with politics and media.

I know you should be concerned about a lot of stuff that is going on. But in a way I sometimes just don't care. This is ignorant you might say, but I have to tell you that I stopped thinking that I could change the world years ago.

My life has meaning, I'm sure of this, but I will never be someone big. I try to be the best for my surrounding and I give my best for everyone I care about.

I'm far away from perfect. Even I am not satisfied with the way I am. But, and I think this is the most important part:

You have to care all the time.


Don't stop working.






Why I wrote this?

Well because I just wanted to :)

It goes way back. The day we met was so long ago. But still you amaze me. Do me a favor and take care of yourself. Don't beat yourself up. Lead your life the way you want to and take your time for yourself.
Sometimes even you should see that you take some things to much for granted.

I know you will always laugh at this, but I'm proud of you. And the most important part of it: I'm not the only one.

Thank you for coming into my life. And mostly for staying.

Now give me a hug and a postal address.

What if I smile?

What if it is because of you?

What if, all of the sudden I got over her?

What if you give me a good time?

What if I do care too much about you?

What if this is the way it should be?


It hit me a couple of hours ago, it hit me really hard. I felt like it in the last couple of days. I feared it. But still it felt good. Knowing that I actually can met a person who can mean much to me.

And makes me forget about the times I properly spent wasting for someone else.

I still think of these old "what if's" but you help me a lot. I know it sounds strange, but I don't need to be somebody else around you. I don't feel the need to be better to impress you.

All I do is care for you being there.

I hope for this friendship to grow. For a start this is all I really want. From that we'll see.

Somewhere in some place.

You grow upon yourself.

You show grace.

You deserve better.

Let me tell you one thing: Smile. For every day, never forget to smile.

I apologize.

This is hard to say.

I apologize for a decision I made more than 3 years ago.


I could have done it differently.

I regret it. I've always been regreting it.

That day, something in me just didn't kept on living. I made it stop.

I want it back.

You make decisions you can never take back. You try to live life without mistakes. Yet you do them everyday. Some of them are big, some of them are small.

I'm sad.

Sad how I turned out. How I wasted so many chances. So many things I could have achieved by now. I have been high. I have been at a state where I could have just keep on going and just be the me I was. But than I made steps backwards, not forward.


There's darkness, and then there's light. For each one that dies, there's a new life beginning.