I rocked.

I rocked the thursday.

I rocked my first important exam.

I rocked it with a 1,3 which I couldn't believe.

I rocked my professor because I couldn't believe my grade.

I rocked the concert on saturday.

I rocked waking up today.



Thanks for letting me rock.

Thank you for a beautiful weekend in Passau.

I know it was not the perfect timing, but at least we met.

So I am writing to give you an update on what happened.

Actually nothing special, I am bored most of the times, because I am waiting for the result of my exam, which should come around soon.

I am scared but let's not talk about this.

My friends are there for me, that's what I need, now the next thing is to move a little bit closer to live life more easily than before.

And actually I am copeing with it very good. I will start another job at the university in a couple of weeks, it will only be a little bit more than a hundred euros, but it will pay off at least some worries I have.



Than there is that other part of me that someone would call soul. This part is missing something.

I know what it is but still it makes me wonder how it should work out. I am not in a position to accomplish this and honestly I am not sure if I deserve it.

But the wish is growing.


But anyways: I wish all the people on vacations a very nice and quiet time. You deserve it and you know it.

Okay, to bring everybody up to date, and me too, here comes what happened in the last couple of days, even weeks.

I had one of my crucial exams on tuesday. One of three steps to stay here in university and to get my bachelor degree. I don't have any results so far, but I hope it will be good enough to go on.

If I fail, I get exmatriculated and I won't be able to study something else, or let's be honest I won't study anything else.

I was really scared before the exam and in no exam the time took so long to past but afterwards I was relieved and really happy that it was over.

The rest of the week I tried to relax and get my mind of the exam, which was really hard, but you know me, just doing nothing is my second name...



On friday I wanted to give blood plasma to get some money, but as it looks my protein-level is too low at the moment and I need to be tested on monday again to make sure I can donate.

Honestly this sucks. I depend on that money. I have some money on my account but because I won't get any more tution from the state from september on I really need to save all the money I get on my account.

I live from that money now. That's a fact. I know this sucks, and I never thought it could get this bad but without it I won't be able to stay here.

I hope I can work in summer holidays at home but I will be difficult because I can't leave here before the end of june and than it could be already too late to work for a longer period.


Okay, now for something to get happy about:

Italy or let's say Ivrea was amazing, it was better than I expected it to be. I mean the weather sucked, and to keep track of all the things we were told was a pain in the a.s but it was so enjoyable just to learn and work half a day, sleep 1/4 of the day and to meet with nice people afterwards.

To be around people is the best medicine to get back your ambition for something you once loved and all of the sudden can't find that passion anymore.

I will always remember this week.


And to calm any worries down:

I actually got a job as a dogsbody, no okay that sounds strange, I work for the institute of technical mineralogy as a volunteer. And when I say volunteer, I mean volunteer.

I don't get paid.

Why? Well, the explanation is very easy: I asked my prof in january if there is a position for a student available soon and she told me to come again in march. In march she said that the faculty is applying at the moment for some money and I should ask again in 4-5 weeks.
So at the end of april I stood at her doorstep again and sadly she said that there have been a lot of cutbacks and that they won't be able to hire any students this semester.

Well, than I thought a couple of days about it, and decided to ask if there is anything I can do anyway. I wanted to do at least something, because the longer I am at home the sadder and the lazier I get.

So I went to her office again, and before I really asked her something she said: "No we don't have anything for you"

Than I asked her if there is anything I could do, she asked me if I wanted to be a slave and I said "Yes".

Now I am measuring chemicals to produce glass melts. And soon I will to my first melt all alone.

I know those are babysteps, but believe me when I say: I love it!!



And now I am leaving you, because I want to prepare myself for the night with my nightpartner...

What am I doing here?

I wanted to know the answer to that.

But I guess there is nobody left out there to help me.

I am in a lot of trouble right now. I mean my bachelor degree is far away from being accomplished and my happiness is more than aware that there is no need to give me the pleasure of a visit.

So than here I stand. Or sit.

Without any money, actually with 35 Euros less than nothing because I forgot to take my keys with me when I went for a walk and the """really friendly""" janitor's wife insisted that it is night and I needed to pay the night rate for the key-service.

You have no idea how much this made me laugh.

Like I don't have enough money problems at the moment. Like there is no current tution assessment that I need to fullfill until the end of june. Like I don't have any trouble with figuring out a way to proceed at least so far that I am close to my 3.semester/term.

And let's not even try to begin with my thoughts about how this story should go on.

At the moment I am looking at Brisbane and my desire to go back is bigger than it is helpful at the moment.

In my mind there is always this little sentence running around with which "October Road" started.

"Es el tonto que no puedo volver al lugar de su felicidad pasada."


So am I a fool for not returning to the place of my greatest happiness?

Sometimes I think so.

Sometimes I don't.

I know that my memories of Aussie are much more perfect than they really were. But why is the need to be somewhere else so big? Why is it easier to run than to stay? Why is the feeling here so much worse than the feeling before?

And worst of all: Why do I want to go?


Well, in about 2 weeks it will probably all be over with and I can leave for good.

It's fatal Hattie
The spoken word like the lost opportunity doesn't come back

If a situation like this is emitted out loud it means it's been accepted
If it is accepted it's got to be discussed
And each time you discuss it you get the further apart until in the end you're so far away from each other you need to shout
And the whole thing becomes hopeless

- The Grass is Greener
Earl Victor Rhyall (Cary Grant)

Spring is at its highest peak, and I am smiling because of that.

I love the spring, especially when the sun comes out for the first time and you think nothing could make this day more beautiful now. You spend so many days in the cold and waited assumengly for more than a hundred of days that the sun finally finds its way to you.


Well and for me this made me happy today.


Sorry I thought I was in the mood, but I guess I was wrong.


I will try again tomorrow.

Hello.

You know, I love writing. For years in school it was my favourit thing. I used to create so much with it. It was so much help for me to get along and my soul was getting strength out of it.

But than along with growing up, I lost it. Tragic for me I guess. But than who cares you might say. I do. People around me do, because, and that is the most recent event of my misery, one day I'll break.

I don't really hate to admit this, I feel fine like this, the knowing fact is the best part of it.

But the part that scares me is the part buried down in me.

I am a happy person, there is nothing I love more than life. Everyday I see good things, recently let it be the smile of a child when she passed me at the train station or the kidness of a man when his girl feels sick.

All those little things, I know I am crazy but hell, who cares, LIFE IS BEAUTIFUL, open your eyes.



And than there's this dark side of me. So filled with so much anger and sadness that it could fill 10000 souls. If this part is ever on the wining side than it is to late for help.


Honestly I think of getting help. Nowadays it isn't a bad thing to see a professional concerning your mental health. I think today there's more need for that than before.

I am not quite sure how or when, but I am pretty sure, this is something I can't fight alone.









But and now to the happy part:



I AM DOING GOOD. I am fine with life, in the last couple of weeks I felt more satisfied and without regrets than the whole 6 months before. It feels good to feel life again, to see what is going on isn't just your misery, it's a matter for a lot of people and that you are not only a number in the system.

You are your number one. It all begins with you.