You know how it is.


When you want something really bad, you just enjoyed the wonderful time and you just want to keep it close, you don't wanna lose that wonderful emotions, all this hope it gives you.

That's what I feel when I'm thinking of that one call.

What ever can go wrong, definetly will.

If I call and she says a wonderful "No time" than WHAT?


See I know this is bullshit, hardly fitting it, but it is, I just don't want to get hurt, I feel so vulnerable. It is like I forgot everything life has ever teached me. All these times I got caught up in situations that nobody should be in, all these times I got hurt from persons I loved and often still do, all these time I fall down, all the time I got up again, showed my smile to f.cked up world that didn't wanted me to be who I am, didn't want me to be happy over a long time.
All the time I suffered from being the way I am, wanting the best for everyone, didn't really think of myself.

Don't get me wrong, I'm still like that, but with her, I don't feel like I can do this, I don't feel like I can take these, I feel like if I lose this one chance and screw it up it will all be over.

I never felt so close to call someone the famous one and that's driving me crazy, over these 3 months I've put so much thinking and planing on what to do, what to say, I totally forgot how to to do it. I got over the point when my courage was big enough to make that next move.

Guess I buried myself and left that little boy hanging.


Why did this challenge become so hard? Why couldn't you just appear one night and stay forever? Why do I still want you more than anything else? Why do I even consider shaving my head? Why can I aggree on suffering so much, just to spend time with you? Why do I still smile when I think of you?



Here's the deal:

At the moment I suck. I need a break, I need to figure this out. I won't be online until saturday night, at least. I don't know if I can take it, but I feel like I need it, focus on studies and so on...

How do you manage this?

How do you become so confident?

How did you turn out to be so You?



All I know I love you for that, I much appreciate talking to you almost everyday.


Don't change, just promise me you stay who you are, my big sister, my turning point on some pretty tough days, my mind whenever I'm lost.

I know you don't really like me talking like this, but this is me, you should know me by now and most important, you should now how to read these words.


I'll never forget this one day. Passau suddenly shined :)


Allright I'll stop here.

So I guess I must call, I guess I must call.


If I lose this one, if I don't get a chance I will turn gay, well I'm happy most of the days, but this time I think I'll become queer.


Damn this thing is killing me, so much thoughts that I turn out to become even more insane than I'm allready.


But the worst part of it all is that I haven't got any clue what to do with her. It's winter, so no sitting in a park and talking. But a café seems so wrong, so you know.


Deep in my mind I allready stopped to believe this whole thing with her is turning out good, it seems to me that I don't deserve her at the moment, that I might never will. Sucks but sometimes, really often to be honest, I think like this, I even started to believe it a couple of times.


All I know this is a hard time for me and I should put an end to it before it messes me up too much.


Life is about challenges, risk it, or beat it.








If only I could pick up the phone...

Everybody gets older, put not everyone is able to celebrate.


There's a difference between this birthday and others. This time I feel actually like getting older. Strange when you think about that this is coming from a now 23-year-old person but it is like that.

I'm not sure where the next year is heading, but it will certainly still be me who's walking ;)


Wish you all a beautiful day, and don't worry about not remembering it, it's not that important.

I wish I could talk it fluently.

I really like that language but if you stop using it frequently you get totally lost.

It took me hours to think about a sentence which I can actually say to Ido without embaracing myself.

And god thanks for making this thing so easy and making those freshmen so easy to handle that I can just be me and not have to pretend that I know everything for the best.


Oh, and thank you Ido just for making me smile without ever understanding me.


Damn this happy mood is hitting me. I guess Karin made my day after I got my PC back she put the icing on the cake :)


And my big sister is not inviting me to Puerto Rico, I'm really disappointed :D

So I needed to return my PC again because Windows screewed up, hopefully I will be back online on monday evening.


Now looking at you:

Saturday? Perfect date? Tell me about it :)


I thought about it and I think I'm going to take her to the botanic garden or a little lake close to Göttingen, you know you can have coffee whereever you want nowadays ;)

I just hope this is not gonna be a date where I try to hard and make it all worse. *grumml*

Okay, got my PC back, without sound and windows keeps on bugging me about some registration stuff I can't quite work out, but at least I am online :)

The organisation for the week for the freshmen (so called O-Phase) is moving forward and I'm enjoying this, I feel like I am doing something not just sitting and waiting for death to come.

Sometimes I wish I could just work, just do my things I wanna do, just learn by doing, which I like sometimes a lot more than just studying, because it is so much closer to life than books.
I will take a practica, that's for sure, I can't just sit around for such a long period of time, I don't want to get nuts.



Sticking to getting nuts:

It's been almost 4 weeks and I still didn't get a response from her, that's something that worries me, but something ist telling me that I should put more patience in this and take a deep breath and that I am worrying way to much. Maybe she just didn't have time or something like that, sometimes I know I'm naive.

But there's this big fear of loosing that one thing I hoped so much for and waited for so long to happen. Honestly, this time I am not sure if I can get back on track as fast as before, this could really damage me, I know this is bull-shit but these are my feelings and I can't hide them.
I'm not used to such huge feelings, I am not sure how to deal with them.
I know weakness can become a strength but this time it's totally going in another direction, I'm feeling like a 12-year-old and not almost 11 years older (in 7 days ;( )

Allright, I'm waiting til tomorrow and than I'm gonna use the ultimative spionage tool at student can have (stas..vz /studiVZ , I still don't like it) and than I wait til my birthday and stop being sobber :D



btw: Try to imagine a perfect date?! Tell me about it :)

Flowers and a picknick seemed to be too simple ;)

Sorry, my little dirty helper to go online broke down a week ago on friday.

I will be back online on thursday night, looking forward for a skype-sessions :)

Okay, so I wake up and fall asleep again.

And suddenly a dream hits me.

How come that dreams feel so realistic. You don't really see everything clear but you can feel everything, from every little touch to the little tension between the people maybe sitting next to you in the dream.

If just a little part of this dream becomes reality, actually some of my dreams really happened, so I wish for this one to become true.

This dream made my day, I smiled the whole day and was almost singing everytime.

To be honest, seeing my relatives again made a little impuls on my happyness too, but this dream was such a gift.

A thing I was looking backward to :D



But, and that's the sad ending: My desire for her grew and I can't really say how deeply I'm longing for a new meeting with her.