My thoughts are running around. Between life, my life and the life of others.

I am happy, I know that my study work is the worst that there can be but I am about to get better. It's hard to get control back about something. For me it will always be learning from paper.
This is just something I will never be certain of, something I never really could love. Honestly it doesn't really bother me to read a text or a book, it's just that I learn a lot more from doing things, repeating them and watching something, just being a part of it, that's how I remember things.

I love to do stuff on my own, explore how things work, how one thing connects to another and to see what you can achieve with some little things, that's what I really love and want to do.

And that's my Technische Mineralogie at the moment. God, I love that stuff. Honestly this is the first part of my studies that I really want to learn, that I can see myself working at in 20 years or so. All the others are interesting to but there hasn't been anything that I could have said "I want to do this all my life".

I know a lot of people don't understand this, espically when they get to know what this is all about, but I love it. For me it is so interesting and fascinating to play with different materials and try to find out what you can do with it and make something for special usage.

Damn I am so happy about this. I know it sounds strange to say this about my studies that I picked out myself and was so sure about but I knew from the beginning that my studies will be only a step in my grown up life. I really like my studies, I like getting to know all this stuff and I like my life as a student but I wanted more than just learning for the money, I wanted to enjoy my life afterwards, that was the reason I picked this subject because it left me so many opportinities after I would be finished with my bachelor.

And now I think I found what i was looking for....my little hope at the end of the road ;)

I called.

A couple of days ago.

I actually did it.

I never thought I 'd be able to do, but like everything else I just suddenly felt the need to do it.


Honestly there's no way I can describe how this phone-call made me feel.

Just the way she picked up and sounded, how she talked to me, listening and caring, it was not even close to anything I ever imagined.

And mostly amazingly, it all went well, it even went way better. She actually didn't even close seemed like being unhappy about my call.

After I asked if she might have some time at the next weekend she politely declined but added that she would be at home and that we can do something together at the weekend afterwards.

And I guess the suggestion from her to go to the christmas market maybe or the question if I might go to the Nordmensa anytime so are a good sign.


I hope for the best, but still I don't know how this will work out.

So as you know and as I told you and as you remember, I won't be online until Monday, so no worries, I'll be fine, dreamin' and livin ;)

hug

Okay, I'm one step to giving up.


Tell me to back off and I will.

There are no more signs I can ignore, no more nights I can spent thinking of being with you. There are no more days left I can give up just for you.

There is no more motivation to get up.


Just a hole occurs, that's it.

I'm falling.

I never thought I might say this but this sucks, this wasn't necessary, this wasn't how it should end, this wasn't what I planned.


I lost a lot of motivation tonight. I lost my flavour of life. At least for a couple of days.


I'm not giving up, I'm giving in.

I can't stop checking my account.

I can't stand to wait for a message from her.

I try to control it, try to stop my mind slipping away and stop concentrating on my exam on tuesday, but I can't.

Did she really asked me why I didn't write her back?

Or did she just misdial?

Did she really meant want she wrote?

Or is she just messing with me?


The more I think about all this, the more I start to worry again.

I don't want to lose her before I have her.


I'm thinking about this one call, how will it be? How will she response to the question? What can I that she dosn't say No?

Damn you woman.

Hallo, my name is Joe...

I love music and I love to hang out with my friends.

I've never been a good listener but I would say that I am a good lover.

Call me.




Babbeling and thinking, something like this.

I consider myself crazy nowadays.

I played "Never ever have I" yesterday night, which was a lot of fun thinking back that I didn't actually think it would be.
It was the first time I connected a little bit more to the people I hang around with in this town. I felt a little more home.


But still, I can't be happy with the way my life is going with them. I didn't come here to do things I did back in the days and really didn't enjoy. I came here to get a life.

I called Karin today.

It was really nice to talk to hear after such a long time.

But she actually told me the same thing that a lot of people told me these days.

I should call.


And hurtfull enough, they are right. I can't ignore the fact that I have to do something in order to do something.

Strange, I still can't deal with the fact that she actually wrote me...I'm so...thankful and, yeah I am happy

Es gab Tage, da verlor ich meinen Glauben
Tage an denen ich nicht weit entfernt war
Von Grenzen die mir aufgezeigt wurden
Grenzen die zu hoch schienen.

Vereinzelt kämpfte ich gegen Windmühlen
Meist konnte ich mich durchsetzen
Doch in jedem Leben gibt es Niederlagen
Egal wie sehr man es versucht.

Mein Lebenslauf ist noch nicht vollständig
Die Wünsche sind noch nicht erfüllt
Doch ich spüre es näherkommen
Ein kleiner Schritt.

Ich schreibe meinen Weg
Um zu fühlen, um zu leben
Am Limit zu sein
Ist ein Traum.

Du erscheinst
Natürlich änderst du den Ablauf
Du beeinflusst alles
Alles was mich betrifft, unwissentlich.

Ein neuer Abschnitt scheint zu beginnen
Und ich bewege mich ungereimt
Unbeeinflusst von anderen
Auf dich, nur dich alleine zu.










cK
28,10,2007

This is so long

This is a goodbye

At least that's what I thought it could be

I'm not sure where this is going

All I know is that this is way better than I wished

I just want to let it flow

Just letting it be whatever it is going to be

Enjoying everything I did get

When snow falls it will be because of you

Whenever you freeze

Feel me

Wherever you shine

Let me be

Whatever you desire

Let me know

I turn wherever you want me to






cK

28,10,2007

Thanks.